A Work in Progress

idk if anyone has ever read my past really long personal posts, but here’s another one. if you have read them, you might remember that my love life has been pure hell for the past year or so.

basically, i have been spending the last 8 months trying to get over an ex. we both decided that we should go our separate ways back in june. but as we all know, you cant just get rid of those feelings. whenever i try and get over someone, i basically delete them from my life. i hide their facebook so i dont see their posts, delete their phone number, etc etc. i do this because i try to not think about them. i think the psychological term is repression. i try not to think about them so i can focus on other things so im not all down in the dumps or can sorta forget about them and get over them. i delete them from everything so i dont see their name and face so all those feelings and thoughts about them dont pop up in my head. its worked before and started working here this time. i know im getting close to getting over someone when i actually start looking at their facebook for once.

i was right at this stage when i just got a text from my ex. back during the holidays i sent her a message on fb just to say hey hope your doing good and all. that was the first time we’ve talked since june and then i was having trouble getting over her so i sent her a message to i guess try and get some closure or something. but anyway, tonight i was just laying here in bed on my laptop when my phone got a text. and with the way my droid is set up it has the picture, name, and number of my facebook friends. so i look at my phone and boom her face and her name. and all those times we spent together and all those thoughts and feelings just rush back into my head. she said she was out and dont stop believing was playing. the night we met, we were riding the drunk bus back to my parents condo at the beach and everyone was hammered and we all broke out into song singing dont stop believing and sweet caroline. cant help but smile because that was an awesome night and an awesome week. she also said she hoped i was doing well and all

but like as soon as i start reading that text all those feelings get rekindled and that memory of that night is fresh in my mind and i just wanna say i miss you and wanna start talking to her again and all that stuff. but i know i really cant. im not responding to the next til tomorrow i was completely blind sided by it and just idk ill reply to it tomorrow or maybe here soon. but having her text me kinda takes me back to square one so now i gotta start all over again…

im not gonna lie, i feel like because its been 8 months and im still not over her that its weird and i should be over her by now. idk. like how long is too long? i mean ill be honest, i will have feelings for her for forever, you sorta never fall out of love, you just put them in the back of your head instead.

i accept that we wont be together because we live too far apart and have grown apart as a result. im fine with that and accept it i just wish i could flick a switch and not think about her and repress my thoughts and feelings of her. i think the best way to do that is to find someone else, i know that but its not like thats easy. i think thats why its been so hard for me. im pretty much forever alone and havent really even talked to any girls since her. of course i basically have no life and my life right now pretty much prevents me from meeting other people. i know if i could just find someone else that id be fine, but obviously thats easier said than done. idk i just feel like a loser because its been 8 months and im still not over a girl and still havent found one to replace her. forever alone*

this just sucks and i cant wait to drown myself in alcohol this weekend